6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
You Might Also Like
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?