6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
no one likes gloating
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Taking phone security to the next level.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT