6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons