[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
You Might Also Like
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The internet is full of many things
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0