one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?