I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Interior design 👌
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore