6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Weirdly Wednesday.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.