60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.