@DadandBuried: 60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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@sgrstk: Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
@Zombie_Kitv2: Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he's just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.