6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]