@wesjohnson8: 62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean....... now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
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@RoosterMustache: [with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me
@ElgatoEsmio: [sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
@Moldy_Jellybean: Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.