Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.