My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
whatcha thinkin bout
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
i hate you platonically
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?