6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You Might Also Like
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume