6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You Might Also Like
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Customer is always right
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?