65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
PLEASE READ
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Does this dress make me look cat?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.