6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You Might Also Like
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws