Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Seems kinda suspicious
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.