66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
🙄😏😂🤣
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo