the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Bringing home a sharpie
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows