constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The devil.
My god she’s good.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Nothing to do, you say?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.