6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
You Might Also Like
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
President The Rock Obama
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet