The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.