I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.