6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”