Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
bad news gang
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.