The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
just witnessed a drug deal
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on