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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
guys i’ve cracked the code
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.