*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.