I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*