6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I can’t stop watching this.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Ain’t no way
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes