6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
can’t bark with your mouth full
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
a fate I wish upon no one
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong