6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I feel it
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.