God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
when nothing goes right… go left
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
time for some seasonal decor
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons