6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.