6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.