6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE