6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
She: I like Cats
He:
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??