6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed