6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!