6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You Might Also Like
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.