6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious