6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
True
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad