6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I was just discussing this with my cat
My dog after a walk in the woods.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.