7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”