7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
inside you are two wolves
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
where the womens at?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*