7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?