7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Time for evil
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.