7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She's fun. Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right? Husband, walking by: Yeah, he'll end up normal.

@hrtbps: "I have parrot-like reflexes." "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"

@HeyoShellz: My therapist says I'm making progress but that's only because I lie to her

1

@TuffyNyC: My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

6

@ManvAlcohol: Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you're no detective.

155

@TheBoydP: “See you on the other side...” ~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

1

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