7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
WWE is French for “yes”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off