Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.