7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.